213. Four Fears That Keep You Stuck… And How to Conquer Them!

What are we talking about today?

Well, I’m glad you asked. Since Halloween is coming up next week, I’m trying to think of spooky sounds, but Nick could put that in there. We’re going to talk about fear, right? Or maybe costumes or masks. I don’t know exactly what we’re going to talk about. It’s going to be a thriller.

Whoa, get ready?

That was so cheesy. All right, but today what we’re actually going to talk about is why are people afraid to make goals?

Yeah.

Because sometimes people want to do certain things, they can see themselves accomplishing something, but in reality, they are afraid to take action. And what we’re going to talk about today is why that is the case and hopefully we can help them out.

There’s a lot of fears and we’re going to cover a few today. Welcome to another episode of Focus On This, the most productive podcast on the internet so you can banish distractions, get the right stuff done, and finally start loving Mondays. I’m Marissa Hyatt, here with Ken Freire. Did I say that right?

You nailed it, girl. That’s she’s been practicing all week.

I really haven’t, but.

Oh, that’s even more impressive.

I did take Spanish, so I got a little bit in there.

Dual lingo. There you go.

Yes. So we’re talking about fears today. It just happens that when you decide to go after a big goal, one of the things that can instantly happen is a lot of fear can come up and there’s all kinds of voices and all the things. We’re not talking about Halloween type of voices, just to be clear. We’re talking about your own internal voices that can come in and say to you, “Actually, you can’t do this and here’s a whole host of reasons of why,” and all the things. And it’s like, here’s every bit of fear that you’ve ever had. So Ken, what is kind of the first fear that people might experience when they’re setting a really, really big goal?

I think the biggest one, especially if you’re a recovering perfectionist like myself, is fear of failure. We hate failing and because we don’t want to experience that failure, it’s easier to sometimes say, “No, I don’t want to go through that. I’d rather just stay with status quo.”

Yeah, this is kind of the obvious one we all think about. Oh, obviously fear of failure. Everybody’s got it at some time or another. When in your life when you’ve been going after a big goal, when has this shown up for you and you’re just like, “Here it is again?”

Yeah, I remember actually when I was, I’m going to tell you a story. When I was 19, there was this kind of a Spartan race that I was supposed to do with a group of people and I was just really afraid of not doing it. I was like, “I don’t think I’m going to succeed.” And it was a Spartan death race. It’s like a five-day intense thing where you’re just going nonstop, see how long you can go. And I just remember thinking, “There’s no way I’m going to do it.” And I decided I didn’t want to and I wasn’t going to sign up. Well, finally a couple friends convinced me to sign up and I did it. I didn’t go all five days. It made it like 24 hours, but I just remember and I was kicking myself so much for failing and not going all five days.

Oh, so you did feel like failure happened?

I did feel like failure happened and I knew it. And I remember sitting there thinking, “You see? This is why I shouldn’t have done this, because now I failed. I’ve showed all my friends I’m a failure. I didn’t succeed in this.” And I remember talking to the guy who was actually facilitating it. He was a former Navy SEAL and I said, “Look, I’m a failure.” And he’s like, “Ken, you failed at this event. Don’t fail at life.” I was like, “You’re right.” And he’s like, “Just use it as a lesson and keep moving forward.” That was when I was 19. I still remember that moment. It was like, “Okay, I did fail. It happened, but I’m not a failure.” Don’t let this happen in life. Keep pressing forward.

That’s a good distinction of don’t self-identify with the failure, let it be what it is. And the truth is, if you learn anything from it, at least my own belief is that’s not even failure. Failure is not even trying, in my book.

I needed to learn that progress is good and that I pushed myself into a challenge where I felt like whatever I do something I have to succeed at it and I have to crush it. And learning that there are certain things that I’m just like, I’m not, and it’s okay and just moving forward, but learning from those lessons. I think also specifically for that event, I would’ve also told myself, “Hey, just go five more minutes.” I could push myself. One of the things that was very revealing to me is where was my stress threshold on what I could handle at the time? And I think if I did it today, I’d probably be able to do it a little bit longer.

Yeah, I mean I think that this whole idea of mental toughness, which I don’t know, I’ve done several different kind of similar experiences like hardcore physical, you’re pushing yourself, and I think that is the name of the game is you’ve got to just kind of kick yourself in the rear in your own mind of suck it up, “You can do this.” Failure is if you quit. Failure is not when you continue to go. So you’ve got to have that tough love with yourself.

Yeah. And that will be super helpful as we think about the second one, because if fear of failure is typically one of the main reasons why people are afraid to reach their goals. But there is a second one that we can talk about, which is?

Fear of change. And this one is so good, this is kind of a little bit more unexpected. But I do think that this is a major factor for when you’re trying to achieve a goal, and especially if it’s a really big goal. We talk in our smarter framework about one of the Rs stands for risky, that your goals need to be risky. And this is a really overlooked, I think aspect of goal setting is that you think, “Well, I want it to be doable or attainable,” or whatever. You want it to be within reach. And what we say is it actually needs to be a little bit outside of your comfort zone in order to motivate you. If it’s all within your comfort zone, you’re not going to be that motivated. You’re not going to stick with it. It’s the stuff that challenges you, that pushes you forward, that gets you out of bed every morning.

And the fear of change can totally squash that, because if you’re going, “Okay, this is a big risky goal and there’s a big potential for change, I don’t know if I want the change, I’m kind of comfortable now.” Again, it’s this pain pleasure kind of thing. The pain of change is too big, and so you just say, “Well, I’ll just stay in my comfort zone.” For me, this really showed up. This was several years ago. I don’t know actually if you know this, I don’t know if I’ve talked to you about this before. So I ended up spinning three months in Italy. This is like five years ago.

Nice.

And this was something I always wanted to do. I always felt strongly, I’ve felt this pull to Italy. I wanted to go. I had been before, but for, I don’t know, a week or something. And I wanted to go back and I was kind of at a point in my life where I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I had been working in a network marketing company. I was really successful in that company, was kind of in this weird place of I’m not really having to work a lot, but I don’t really know what to do. And I felt pretty lost.

And I started having this pull towards Italy of maybe I should go. And the biggest thing that was preventing me from going was this fear of change. What if I go and it totally changes my whole life? And I knew this was really critical. There’s a couple things in my life that this has happened with where it’s like something shows up as an opportunity or a decision that I have to make. And I know this is going to be a game changer. And this was one of those moments, but I was terrified of like, is this going to end friendships? Is this going to end relationships? Am I going to ever want to come back? I don’t know. And I actually bought a one-way ticket, so-

That’s crazy.

That was a big deal.

Yeah.

And I remember I actually had a conversation with my mom and was really struggling. This was right before I bought the tickets and I was terrified and I was like, “I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I’m cut out for this. I’m going by myself to a foreign country where I don’t speak the language.” I was like, I don’t know, 26 or seven at the time I was like, “How can I do this by myself? This is stupid, this is irresponsible.” And my mom looked at me and my mom, she knows better than anybody else how to give me good tough love. And she was like, “Marissa, if you don’t go, you’ll regret this for the rest of your life. So whatever fear, whatever you’re afraid of, you need to be more afraid of regretting this for the rest of your life.” And I went home and booked my plane tickets that night.

I love it.

And went and it was a game changer and totally changed my life in the best way possible. And I feel like I really came into my own and grew so much during that trip, but if it wasn’t for my mom telling me, sometimes it’s like you have to look at the fear. Is this fear going to be the biggest fear or is the fear of not doing the fear of what’s at stake going to be bigger than that fear?

Yeah. Sometimes fear has motivated me to action quite a bit, depending on the right fear. But that might be a different podcast episode.

Yeah. Hey.

Okay, the next one that I think that stops people is actually the fear of overwhelm. The reality that when you start thinking about the goal and then all the actionable steps that happen, people get really overwhelmed by it. Like, “Oh my gosh, here are all the big steps that we have to take.” I’ll just use a simple one that sometimes people get overwhelmed and decide not to do it and is weight loss.

Yeah, right.

A lot of people put a 10 or 20 pound goal and then they’re like, “Okay, well what do I need to do? Okay, should I count my calories? Do I now need to count my macros?” Right? All this stuff. And then diet needs to change. Then physical workouts, well, what kind of workouts? And some people are saying just do cardio and do strength training.

There’s a 1,000 options.

There’s a 1,000 options. And then when you go to food, there’s even more options. Are you doing keto, paleo, whole food or whole 30? You’re like, “Oh my gosh.” You don’t know which one to go to. And that could be very overwhelming. And then especially I think this has been the hardest one, I go on diets is like my snack intake. What snacks are healthy?What should I go after?

What are your go-to?

I just fast at that point. I’ve never found really good snack options.

Could list about a 1,000 of them right now, but okay.

Then you’re my go-to person at this point. I’m going to just text you.

Well healthy. I mean I can do healthy too, but I’m talking about what’s your guilty?

Oh, guilty. Oh dude, I got tons of those. I thought you meant healthy snack?

No, I’m talking about guilty,

But how hard is it to find healthy snacks that you could just go throughout the day that are not like nuts?

Oh, I feel like I could help you out in that area. Yeah.

We want to hear the unhealthy snacks.

The guilty?

Yeah.

From both of you.

I mean my, I’m going to be honest, is potato chips, but it’s very specific potato chips, because-

Like Lay’s potato chips?

All potato chips are not created equal.

Yeah, that’s true.

So I do not like a kettle. It’s too crunchy. We know how I feel about mouth noises in my own mouth. I can’t handle it. It’s just too much.

That’s why I’m surprised you like potato chips.

Yeah, but there’s specific, so it’s not the Lay’s typical yellow bag. It’s the Lay’s natural and trust that these are basically the only potato chips I’ve seen that actually stay intact. They don’t crumble into a million pieces. They’re very crunchy, but not in the same kind of kettle way. And the salt level is perfect, but I’m telling you, try to not eat that whole bag and basically one or two sittings, because it’s very challenging.

I mean-

That and then the dark chocolate peanut butter cups from Trader Joe’s.

Oh, those are great.

Those are so good.

We’d be in a lot of those in my house.

A little salty, a little sweet.

My guilty pleasure would be Oreos, like double stuffed Oreos.

Oh, double stuffed. Oh, wow.

Yes.

Going for the big ones.

The worst thing I’ve ever done is I looked at the nutrition.

No, no, no. Stop.

For Oreos.

Don’t go.

Just like some things are better left-

Do you, look I can-

I haven’t looked. I’m not going to look.

Okay, don’t. I’m not going to tell you.

So we’ve talked about fear of failure, we’ve talked about fear of change, we’ve talked about fear of overwhelm. I’m curious though, Ken, if somebody is, they have a big goal and they’re feeling overwhelmed, what are some strategies or some mindset things that they can think through to help overcome that hump of it being so overwhelming?

So I like to think about stop focusing on all the little details and what are the big three? We use that here at full focus, but what are the big major tasks that need to get done to make it happen? So let’s go back to weight loss for example. I’ll be like, “Hey, listen, yes, you could get a whole new diet plan, but that’s going to be too much work. You may not know that. What are some big major things that you can do that will drastically move the lever?” So for example, if you’re not working out, go start working out. The other thing may be like, hey, just start eating a salad. Just do one big thing. Or you could call it one small thing, depending on how you look at it. It can change what you’re doing versus trying to figure out a whole diet plan. I think that’s where it gets really overwhelming.

Well, I think the other thing is I would say almost don’t go for the big things. Start really small.

So you are going to disagree with me?

Yeah, I am going to disagree. I would say start really small and think what is just the next thing that you need to do for this goal? So if let’s just say that your goal is to, I don’t know, somehow get healthy one way or the other, whether that’s losing weight, whether that’s creating a exercise routine that you’re going to be consistent with. It could look like a 1,000 things, running a marathon. I would say write down what are the smallest next steps that you can take right now. So maybe that is reaching out to a friend as an accountability partner, or maybe that is literally going to Google and searching best workouts for at home or whatever it.

Start really small and get a couple wins under your belt and then you can go and eventually you’re going to keep taking that next step and these things should be rising even if they’re small to the level of a daily big three, your three priorities for the day. If this is a goal for you? And so maybe that’s working out. Maybe every day on your daily big three, you’re saying, “I’m going to work out.” And that’s going to help me to not feel overwhelmed, because I just know that that’s a one thing I have to do today for that goal.

Yeah. I’m going to disagree with you disagreeing with me.

Okay, great.

No, no, but I actually 100% agree with you, and let me clarify when I say do major things like the big thing, for example, health, we’re just talking about the major levers like working out. That’s the big thing. But in there, there’s the small little thing you should be doing. Don’t try to figure out the 90-day workday plan. Sometimes you’re not ready for that.

I think people do though. I think people get into it, and this is where the overwhelm comes in, is they go, “Oh gosh, I’ve got to figure out every single meal that I’m going to eat for the next 70 days,” or whatever time period you’re looking at, and I’ve been guilty of this too. I’ve totally done this where I’ve tried to create a meal plan for weeks on end, and by day four you’re like, “If I see this piece of broccoli and whatever else again, I’m going to throw up.” So you have to allow for life to happen. And that’s the whole thing. No matter what you’re trying to achieve, whether it’s a health goal, a financial goal, whatever. I think the important thing is you want something that’s sustainable. Yeah, it’s going to push you outside of your comfort zone, but you want something that isn’t so overwhelming that you’re going to want to quit before you get started.

Yeah. 100%.

Yeah.

I know we’re not focused entirely on the planner on this, focus on this, but I do feel that my favorite part of the goal detail page is the next steps.

Yeah. Me too.

Whatever block, because you go, “Here’s my big goal that I have.” That’s overwhelming. Then you write in, “Oh, I have to do these three things to get started.” And then you literally take those and just put them on a daily page and you’re on your way. And it really is. I remember the first time I did it, I went, “Oh, well, I can do this.”

Well, it’s like you’re getting into action as quickly as possible versus just thinking about it. And I think that we can all get into this situation where you have a goal and you’re excited about it and all the things, and then you’re like, “Oh my God, where do I start?” And I think that if you can just get into action, what are just some really small, I’m going to schedule time to do that thing, that could be your next step. It’s not even necessarily doing the thing, it’s just getting it on your calendar or telling somebody else, “Hey, I’m going to do this thing and after I do it, I’m going to text you.” Whatever it is, it can be as small or as big as you need, depending on the goal. But I think the point is get into action. And to me that feels like the cure for overwhelm.

Yeah. I love it.

Yeah.

The last one.

Yes.

That we’re going to talk about today, this isn’t the only fear, but these are the big four that I would say people have a hard time in going to achieve their dreams or their goals. So first we got fear of failure, then fear of change, fear of overwhelm. The last one is fear of rejection.

Oh, yeah. Nobody wants that.

I know. This one’s getting real personal.

We all are like…

We’ve all been there.

So how does this relate to goals? Because we know, obviously we all have a story, I’m sure.

I’ve got a story.

Of being rejected or just being heartbroken or whatever else. But how does this relate to somebody trying to go after a goal?

Yeah, I mean there’s different ways. So if you have a goal of saying, “Hey mate, maybe you want to get into a relationship.” Or you have a goal of starting your own business, sometimes people don’t want to start their own business for the simple fact of how much they’re going to hear, “No.” Right? People are not going to buy their thing. They’re going to feel like, “Oh my gosh, if my friends reject me from this, or if people don’t like my product.” They hate hearing no. And that crushes them. So the reality of that, and that’s just that goal, right? Business. But if you’re in a relationship, we’re trying to start a community, I could tell you we moved to Nashville a year ago. We have to put ourselves out there to continue to build friendships. And sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes you’re just like, “Oh man, if I want to pursue those people and they don’t pursue me back, I’m going to be rejected.” If you look at my planner for Q2, that was one of my quarterly goals, continue to grow five deep relationships with these people.

I’m like, “Man, they may say no to my friendship.”

Well, I think that there’s something inherently vulnerable about going after a dream. You are putting yourself and your dreams on the line. And that in and of itself, no matter what it is, it could be something with work, it could be something with, like you’re saying, relationships. It could be financial. I mean, there’s so many areas that this could fall into, and it’s by nature vulnerable to say, “I want this thing and I don’t really know if I have it in me to get it, but I’m going to try anyways.” That is vulnerable as all get out.

I mean to me, there’s nothing more vulnerable than taking a stand for you and for what you want and what your future that it can be. And so when you’re setting your goal, it’s like, “Okay, well how many ways can this go wrong?” There’s a ton, and I’m sure that a lot of those are going to be about rejection. But at the end of the day, asking yourself, “What’s at stake if you don’t do this?” It’s like that question my mom asked me, “What happens if you don’t do this? You’re going to regret this for the rest of your life.”

And I actually come back to fear of rejection. One of the ways that I have combated fear of rejection is through fear of regret.

Yeah.

So I remember I have a rejection story. We’re not going to go through that of a relationship. But then afterwards, when I was getting ready to propose to my now wife, I remember battling, should I propose? Should I not? I wasn’t sure.

I cannot even imagine going through this. I have a lot of compassion for men for this.

I just was like, “Man, what if there’s someone else? What if this doesn’t work out? What if it doesn’t?” All the 50,000 scenarios. And I just remember a good friend of mine at the time, and he still is, we were sitting in his car and he’s like, “Will you regret never being with her? What happens if you lose her?” And I just started crying and I was like, “I cannot lose this woman.” And that solidified in my heart, “I have to marry her.”

Yeah.

I created a whole plan. And the rest is history, of course. But…

And we’ll tell you the proposal story on the next episode.

Leave that for the Valentine’s theme.

I feel like it’s worth saying that this rejection idea, and to your point, Marissa, I did a whole podcast on shame a few years ago. And as what comes up through this idea is what are these evolutionary feelings and emotions we have? And the idea of rejection being painful is by design. It is innate within us to feel pain when we are rejected, because back in early humans, a no or rejection meant you may be unsafe, you may be cast out from the support system. Humans are social by nature and need each other. And so it makes sense that the no is painful, but we also have to know we can persevere through that. You’re not being cast out into the jungle to fight off the lions or whatever.

Totally. We can move beyond that. And I think that it really does go back to that pain pleasure kind of, I don’t know what you call it, dichotomy. Is that the word I’m looking for?

Yes.

That’s a good one.

Yeah, felt right.

All words are subjective. It’s fine.

I feel like though we’re talking about all these different fears, and I think that to me, what I want people to know is because there is a fear that’s coming up for you, doesn’t mean that you have to do anything with it. One of the best things that you can keep in your tool belt for fear is just mindfulness. So when that fear comes up, you have that fear of failure or you’re feeling scared that somebody’s going to reject you and you’re about to make that phone call and ask for that thing or whatever, and you’re afraid that somebody’s going to reject you. Just stop for a minute and notice that fear and go, “Oh, okay. Hi, fear. I see you. I’m aware. I’m understanding why you’re coming here or whatever you need to tell me. Thank you. And I’m going to go back to what I was doing.”

There doesn’t have to be some big thing where you go, “Oh my gosh, now I have to do something. This means I can’t do this, or I’ve got to change my course, or I can’t…” Just get comfortable and say hi to the fear and let the fear be there. You can have the fear there and simultaneously still move towards your goal. And I think that a lot of people think that in order to achieve something great or do something really big or get out of their comfort zone, that they’re supposed to not be fear. And that is so not the case. Fear is going to typically be more present in those situations. It’s just can you overcome it? Can you say to yourself, “Okay, I see you. I hear you, thank you. And I’m still doing the thing, because I know that what is ahead of me is much brighter than if I stop right now.”

Yeah, and I love that, because if you think about it, that is the definition of courage.

Yeah.

Right? It is like taking action despite the fear. You know you’re afraid of something, but you’re going to do it. So every time I overcome fear, I think to myself, I’m becoming more courageous. And that’s the way I flip it in my mind all the time. “Okay, I know I have fear. I know I’m scared to do this thing right now, but what happens if I did? If I overcame it? What kind of person will I become? What kind of things will change?” And that motivates me to be like, “Okay, I am scared, but I’m going to do it.” I’ll share one quick story. For some of you who watched the first episode, know my proclivities to deep water. But this one time, this is when I was very young and I would say dumb. I had some friends convince me to go cliff jumping.

Oh, gosh. I’ve done it.

I’ve done it. And I remember the first time I went cliff jumping, the very first time, because I don’t know how to swim, I wore a life vest.

Yeah.

They were like, “Just jump.” And I just remember running to the edge stopping. I’m like, “Dude, this is dumb. This is the craziest thing I will ever do.” But my friend was like, “But imagine what you would’ve conquered today. You would’ve conquered your fear of drowning.” I’m like, “No, I would probably just drown.”

I would be drowning, actually.

He’s like, “You can do it. You can do it.” I mean, it took probably five minutes of me running back and forth. I was literally one of those people running back. And finally he’s like, “You got to hit the screwed button. Don’t think about it and just run and jump.” And I was like, “Okay.” And I was getting ready to count and he’s like, “Don’t count, just run.” And I’m like, “Ah.” And I just started running and I mean, I jumped and leaped and I went in and I was like, “God, I’m going to see you now.”

And this is where I meet my maker.

This is where I meet him. And then I came back up and they’re all cheering, “You did it.” It was like a 30-foot cliff jump. And I was like, “Oh my gosh.” And I love heights. So this was thrilling. And I ended up doing it 10 more times, right?

Oh my gosh.

The last time I did it without the life vest, because they’re like, “Look, you come back up all the time. You’ll be okay and we’ll be right here to protect you.” And I was like, it was a new level again. I said, “I was a little dumb.” I did it.

Yeah, we’re getting that now.

But I did it. I was like, okay.

You did it, wow.

Yeah, because my friends were all like, “Look, we’re all in the water. We’ll get you if you don’t come back up.” I’m like…

Power of peer pressure.

Power of peer pressure at the moment. But I remember just jumping and taking the courage of like, I’m not going to let fear overcome me. Fear will not be my identity. I’m going to be a courageous individual.

Yeah. Well, it’s looking at what’s the end that you want? What’s the outcome that you want? And being willing to push through the hard things. No, we’re not condoning cliff jumping, just to be clear.

And I wouldn’t do that again.

No, definitely not. Definitely not.

Marissa, biggest takeaway that our people can go with.

Well, I think to me, fear is just part of it. Just know that you’re going to be scared and it’s going to happen and it’s going to show up in a lot of different ways for a lot of different reasons, whether you’re scared of failure or of change or overwhelm, rejection, all of these and more, there’s a lot of other types of fear that we didn’t cover today, but it’s going to happen. It’s going to show up, especially if you’re going after something great. And all I want to say is you can do it in spite of the fear. You can do it, because of the fear. Make that fear work for you like we talked about, and figure out what’s at stake if you don’t do this and make it work for you. And just like you’re saying at the end of it, you’re going to feel a 1,000 times better when you have pushed through that fear.

Yeah, love it. And I would say, and similar to what you said earlier, just acknowledge the fear, acknowledge it, and just address it very quickly. Like, “Okay, it’s there, let’s move on.” Sometimes you have to do deep work, depending on what the issue is. But then other times just addressing it and saying, “You know what? I’m going to move in spite of, this is great.” And I guarantee you, for those of you who are listening to this, if you’re scared and not taking risk for your goals for Q4 of 2023 or beyond, take the risk. The worst thing that’s going to happen is you’re still in the same place. And guess what? You could try again.

And actually you won’t be in the same place.

It’s true.

You won’t. What is guaranteed is if you don’t try, you will be in the same space, and that fear still will be there just haunting you. And it doesn’t have to be that way.

Yeah.

It doesn’t have to.

I think most people will walk away regretting things that they have never done in life versus when they’ve tried and they’re like, “Man, at least I tried. And I have a funny story with it.” Right?

My dad always says, “This is just content. It’s just content.” Whenever we’ve failed and whatever or fallen on our face, he’s like, “It’s just content.”

Oh man, I have a lot of content.

Yeah, exactly. Well, guys, we appreciate you listening today, and we hope that this is encouraging to you and helped you go conquer your fears. Don’t let those scaries come for you. So thanks for joining us on Focus On This.

This is the most productive podcast on the internet, so share with your friends, and don’t forget to join our full Focus Planner community on Facebook. We’ll be back next Monday with another great episode.

And until then, stay focused.

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