265. Setting and Achieving #RelationshipGoals

Episode Transcript

[00:00:00] Marissa: All right, Ken.

[00:00:01] Ken: Yes.

[00:00:02] Marissa: I don’t know if you know this.

[00:00:03] Ken: Nope, I probably don’t.

[00:00:04] Marissa: Valentine’s Day is this week.

[00:00:07] Ken: I should probably plan something.

[00:00:09] Marissa: In fact, it’s on Friday. So this is your reminder and all of you listening now, hello broadcasting, to set your plans, figure out what you need to do to make your person feel special.

[00:00:24] And if you’re single, before we lose you. You’re included in this too. And as your fellow single advocate, I would like to encourage you to think through what would make yourself feel special. How can you love on yourself? This Friday, this weekend, and really, you know, show up for yourself and romance yourself.

[00:00:42] This is one of my favorite things. Can I share a quick story before we jump into the episode?

[00:00:47] Ken: Of course. We’re in charge. We do whatever we want.

[00:00:49] Marissa: So growing up in our household, my mom, loved Valentine’s day. Wow. We as kids, it was a family [00:01:00] event. Like it was not just like them as a couple that they would go off and do their date.

[00:01:04] It was always a family affair. And so what we did is every Valentine’s we would do breakfast for dinner. And we had a whole specific breakfast. My mom would decorate the kitchen, she would have paper hearts everywhere, and she made placemats that were hearts, and she would put out candies and valentines on all of our places, and she would make heart shaped pancakes, and it was so special.

[00:01:31] And one of my favorite reasons that I loved that tradition in our family was that it made me love Valentine’s Day regardless of whether I was in a relationship. So if you’re somebody, maybe you are single like me and you don’t have a partner. Um, my encouragement is romance yourself. Maybe you’re a single parent.

[00:01:51] I want to encourage you romance your children, like make this day special for you and your kids. It doesn’t just have to mean, you know, that you need to [00:02:00] be in a romantic relationship to enjoy this holiday. We are going to be talking about how to set and achieve. relationship goals, but this is going to include more than just romantic relationships.

[00:02:10] So even if you’re not coupled up, don’t worry because this episode is for you. But regardless, Valentine’s Day is this Friday. So this is your PSA. Get it together.

[00:02:22] Ken: All right, let’s jump into the episode.

[00:02:30] Welcome to another episode of Focus on This, the most productive podcast on the internet, so you can banish distractions, get the right stuff done, and finally start loving Mondays. I’m Ken Freire, here with the amazing Marissa Hyatt.

[00:02:45] Marissa: Hey, happy Monday and more important Mondays. Happy Galentine’s week.

[00:02:50] Ken: Oh, now you guys got a week?

[00:02:52] Marissa: Yeah. Um, and if you don’t know what Galentine’s is, Galentine’s is the girls version [00:03:00] of Valentine’s Day. And so it’s when girlfriends typically get together and they hang out, maybe have dinner, whatever. So it is Gallant Times’s Day. It’s also Valentine’s Day.

[00:03:11] Ken: Yep. And men, if you didn’t know it was Gallant’s Day, don’t worry.

[00:03:15] I found that out about two minutes before we hit record. So , he

[00:03:19] Marissa: was like, what is Gallant’s? And I’m like, oh Ken. So yeah, we’re so excited to jump into this conversation today about hashtag relationship goals because we often just think of relationships as our romantic relationships, but this could be related to friendships.

[00:03:38] Or your family or your community, the people that you care about. And it really brings us to a question that we get all the time, which is how do we set relational goals? And this can be hard because it’s hard to take something that seemingly we don’t have full control over and then try to control the outcome.

[00:03:59] It’s [00:04:00] very easy to just think we don’t have any control and so we can’t do it. But the truth is, is that we all want our relationships with the people that we love and we care about most to grow, to deepen, to strengthen. But how the heck do we do that? How do we get there? So. Buckle up because that’s where we’re heading today.

[00:04:21] We’re gonna be talking about how to really deepen your relationships and how to specifically to set goals and achieve goals related to your relationships.

[00:04:29] Ken: Option number one that you want to consider in order to deepen your relationship and that is time. You want to make sure the time that you are regularly spending with someone is intentional.

[00:04:42] So that when you are intentional, you’re investing in your relationship that will make a big difference in your life and in their life. Marissa, you and I both know this, right? Relationships are built with time, right? Like you can’t just see each other once a month. once every six months and be like, Oh, we’re deep friends.

[00:04:58] Like, no, you might be colleagues. [00:05:00] You might have once had a deep relationship, but that doesn’t work out. Right? Like if I were to come to my wife and said, Hey, we’re going to have a date once every six months. She’d be like, are we roommates? Like, what are we doing here? Right, right. I remember actually a client who joined the double wind coaching program We were talking about their goals and they’re like, oh, yeah I want to have a goal to go out on a date once a quarter with my spouse and you know how much I love relationships I just gently nudged them and challenged them.

[00:05:29] I’m like why once a quarter like your kids are old Right. Like they’re, they’re in their teenage years. Like why once a quarter and they’re like, Oh, we’re just so busy. We don’t have time for it. And I’m like, no, listen, you need to make time for this. Normally when I coach people, I’m like, not like try to force them.

[00:05:44] I’m like, no, you need to make time. You just told me you want to grow in your relationship and you’re only spending. One hour or maybe three hours out of three months with the person.

[00:05:54] Marissa: Think about if you translated that, you’re like a health goal.

[00:05:57] Ken: And

[00:05:58] Marissa: you were like, man, I [00:06:00] really want to have the most healthy body, be in the best shape of my life.

[00:06:05] And so I want to have one three hour workout session a quarter.

[00:06:10] Ken: This is not going to work

[00:06:12] Marissa: that that is going to lead to the outcome that you’re wanting. No, like you have to put the time in to get the results that you’re wanting. And so if you’re somebody listening here, whether it’s like we talked about a romantic relationship, maybe it’s with your partner and you’re like, Hey, I really want to deepen this relationship.

[00:06:27] Maybe it’s with a friend. We know that frequency and time are so critical in order to grow that relationship. You’re just not going to be able to grow. And deepen that relationship and that connection if you don’t put the time in.

[00:06:40] Ken: Yeah. I mean, I’ll give you a great example. My wife and I both, if you guys follow the five love languages by Gary Chapman.

[00:06:47] We’re both quality time, right? So I’m like, if we don’t hang out for like a couple of weeks, like even not just my wife, like with friends, I’m like, are we still friends? Like, do they like me? Do they want to hang out with me? Right. Like, cause I’m just such a quality time [00:07:00] person and that’s how relationships are built.

[00:07:01] Marissa: That’s my top. Love language as well. And I always joke that it’s actually quantity of time, not really quality. Okay. So let’s talk about what this could actually look like when it comes to your relationship. So again, we’re going to be talking about all types of relationship on this episode. So no matter if it’s your family, friends, your spouse, a partner, or anything in between, we’re going to have some examples for you.

[00:07:24] So when we’re talking about time, here are some ways that you could incorporate time into your goals related to your relationships. So maybe it is to call your dad every Saturday at lunchtime. Like that is a habit that you want to get into the routine of. You want to invest in that relationship with your dad.

[00:07:41] Maybe it’s daily couch time with your spouse. Now, Ken, you added this one to the list. I didn’t know what this was until two seconds ago. So what is daily couch time? Cause you’re not, I don’t think you’re talking about vegging out together, watching a football game or something. No,

[00:07:54] Ken: not at all. So it’s, it’s not about like just vegging, binging Netflix and just being on your phones.

[00:07:59] It’s really [00:08:00] a time where like when you’ve put the kids to bed or some people would do it as soon as the. Husband comes home, right? It’s like you just have this dedicated hour or two where you’re just connecting and you’re asking a series of questions, right? Some of those questions might just be like, how was your day?

[00:08:14] You know, what, what was going on? You know, highs and lows, but then you’re also getting more intentional where you’re just like, like for us, I always ask like, man, how? What was God doing in your life today? How are you growing closer to, uh, one another, right? Like different things that are more introspective, but also that are life giving.

[00:08:31] What is something exciting that you really want to happen in the next couple of days? It’s just making sure that you’re connecting from a surface level to a deeper level.

[00:08:41] Marissa: I just recently played this game. Friends. This was actually game is a little bit of a, like a loose term, but Esther Perel, who, if you are familiar with her work in her podcast, uh, she is a relationship licensed [00:09:00] family and marriage therapist and specializes in relationships specifically, usually romantic relationships, but she has a card game that she came out with.

[00:09:11] It’s called where should we begin? And it’s various card prompts that prompt stories or conversation. And so whether you’re in a new relationship and you’re trying to learn about each other or if you’re in a committed relationship and you want to go deeper, but you’re kind of like, how do we get going on this?

[00:09:29] And it feels a little, um, you know, strains to you, that could be a good option. I know there’s several other types of card games like that out there that are great ways to kind of dive in and maybe make that couch time better. Or maybe you want to create a list of questions that really help deepen.

[00:09:45] Those conversations. So just as a quick note, you can also go to full focus. co slash date night. And we have a list of, I think it’s 20 questions that my dad, Michael Hyatt and my mom, Gail, that they have created [00:10:00] that they use on their date night. And they’re such great questions, so you can get those, it’s free.

[00:10:05] You just have to give us your email, but it’s a great way to deepen those connections. So whether that’s couch time or out on an actual date, that’s a great place to do that. Okay, a couple other examples that you could do here. You may have heard of this movement, The Thousand Hours Outside, but this is a movement that, can’t remember the woman’s name, created, but the whole point is to get people off of their devices and out into nature.

[00:10:29] So maybe you want to spend a thousand hours outside this year with your family. That could be a great goal to set. Or like you’re talking about, maybe it’s to complete a weekly date night every Thursday or every specific, you know, week or a certain amount of times a month. Definitely not just once a quarter.

[00:10:48] Okay. It’s not going to cut it. If you’re single like me, maybe this is creating a goal specific to how many first dates you want to go on. So, for me, this could be like, I want to go on two [00:11:00] first dates a month this quarter. And so that’s six dates, uh, with six different You know, guys at the end of it, and that could be a great goal for you to set again.

[00:11:10] You may not have control over the specific outcome. However, we know that these behaviors likely will lead to the outcome that you’re desiring. So putting the time in, just like if you’re going to the gym and you’re putting the time in at the gym. It’s likely that’s going to lead to the result of getting into shape, just as much as investing in your relationships and the time in your relationships is likely going to lead to deeper connection.

[00:11:35] Ken: Pro tip, if you are trying to grow in your relationship goal, right? Schedule it.

[00:11:43] Yes.

[00:11:43] Ken: Make sure you schedule it. Because what gets scheduled gets done. If you just say, Oh yeah, I think we want to do this, or like, Hey, I’d love to have a date night, but you never actually do it. You’re never going to get there.

[00:11:52] So just put it on your schedule. Find the babysitter, find the time, like text as you’re talking. And if you’re available right now to do it, [00:12:00] text that friend or text that family member that you’re like, Hey, do you want to connect at this time so that you can start building that relationship?

[00:12:06] Marissa: Totally. I think that’s really, really key.

[00:12:08] And this goes for all goals, but especially relational. Cause we just kind of think this stuff happens for some reason in relationships and it doesn’t, it still requires intention. Okay, let’s talk about option number two. So we talked about option number one to focus on within your relationships and setting goals is time.

[00:12:27] Number two is knowledge. So Ken, talk to us about this.

[00:12:30] Ken: Yeah, I think we, we gotta realize that like we aren’t born with knowledge about relationships. Right? Like we don’t know how to do certain things. We don’t know how to interact with people, right? We, we actually need to grow in this and we need to learn one another.

[00:12:45] And the good news is that we can do this, right? So for example, I want you to think about like listening to season one or season two of Brene Brown podcast, unlocking us, right? Where she’s helping us to just grow and understand ourselves a little bit better. [00:13:00] But the more we understand humanity in general, the more we’re able to relate to one another.

[00:13:04] Another one could be like attending a marriage conference conducted by the Allender Center by December 31st, right? Like this is just another way of you getting to know each other better because here’s the reality What I have found is that once you get into a relationship Whether it’s your friends your family, right?

[00:13:20] Our spouse a partner. The thing is that you could get into a rut pretty quickly

[00:13:24] And

[00:13:24] Ken: I found this time and time again where, like, you could just end up being roommates. You’re not really connecting. It’s more like, how was your day? You’re going on dates, but it’s just like the same old, same old. And, like, you want to get outside of your normal routine and find things that will help you to grow as a couple or as a friendship.

[00:13:43] I thought about this the other day. I was talking to a friend of mine and we have been, no joke, texting each other for like a year and a half about going and grabbing sushi. And we finally did it. And he’s like, look, he sent me a picture of like how we were texting each other back and forth about this.

[00:13:59] He’s like, we [00:14:00] finally did it. And we sat there and there was like for about an hour and a half, two hours, right? And we’re just sharing each other’s story. That’s the first time I heard him say certain things that I was just like, wow, I didn’t know about. I’ve known you for two years and I didn’t know any of these things about you.

[00:14:12] Marissa: Yeah.

[00:14:13] Ken: But it was just sitting down and, and learning about it.

[00:14:15] Marissa: A couple other examples that you could do would be to complete a weekly book discussion with your spouse on, for instance, It’s the Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, or another book that you really want to dive in that’s specific to your relationship and growing together.

[00:14:32] This is such a great way to invite your partner in to grow together. Again, if you’re single, maybe this is hiring a dating coach. Maybe there’s some skills. That you need to improve upon, or to learn, or to overcome when it comes to your mindset or your skill set in dating. And if you’re in a relationship, maybe you want to look into working with a specific relationship therapist or coach to deepen that connection, to work through some of that stuff.[00:15:00]

[00:15:00] Because we know within relationships, especially romantic relationships, Certain things will arise that you cannot otherwise access outside of a relationship. That is so normal that stuff comes up inside the context of a relationship and having a specific dedicated time and place to invest in that to work on your relationship.

[00:15:22] You can kind of translate this to if you’re a business owner or You know, you’re familiar with business owners. What often ends up happening is that they’re just working in the business, you know, and they don’t take time to actually work on the business. And this translates to your marriage or your romantic relationship as well.

[00:15:41] Sometimes you’re just going through the motions. You’re in that relationship and you know, you, you’re there, but you’re not actually working on your relationship. And so it’s really important when we think about setting goals specifically. For our romantic relationships that you’re taking time again to invest in those, to work on [00:16:00] those relationships so that you can really grow and prosper together.

[00:16:04] Ken: Yeah, and one way to actually work on your relationship is to work on yourself, right? Get knowledge of who you really are. What do you like? Like what, what actually helps you to want to be around people, right? Like I have found that there are times that people drain me. And for the most part, I’m an extrovert, right?

[00:16:22] Like I could be around people all day long, but I have found that there are certain types of people that dreamy. I didn’t learn that until I went to therapy actually. And I was just talking to someone and learning about myself more and like what pushes me and what doesn’t push me. This is a different story, but I had another coach where he made me do this long assessment.

[00:16:40] It was called like the Berkman assessment. And I remember it was the first time that he was able to analyze. Me in a different way that none other assessment ever actually analyzed me. He’s like, can you are deeply relational and you’re deeply systematic. I’m like, yes, that’s a problem. Half the time. He’s like, no, but here’s the thing.

[00:16:57] You develop systems so that you could just be with people more. [00:17:00] So you get frustrated when the system doesn’t help you connect with people. And I was like. Oh, my gosh. Yes. That’s exactly how my brain works all the time. And he was like, that’s why you you get frustrated if you’re in certain positions because you’re like, I’m not being relational enough with people.

[00:17:14] And I’m like, Oh, okay, cool. But it wasn’t until he told me that years ago that I was like, Why is this certain position that I was in frustrating to me? But going and growing in yourself is huge because you start to see patterns. You start to see how you interact with other people.

[00:17:28] Marissa: Totally. Well, and I think therapy is so important because this is something that we do have control over.

[00:17:35] Often in our relationships, we may feel like a little bit out of control. We can’t control the other person. We can’t force them to come to therapy or to a conference or to read a book with us or whatever it might be, right? And so how do we grow if the other person is unwilling or there isn’t another person, you know, and the best way to do that is take ownership, 100 percent ownership for yourself.

[00:17:58] And a great [00:18:00] way to do that is therapy. And there’s tons of different styles of therapy. For instance, I. See a somatic experiencing therapist. It specializes in a specific type of therapy that is really getting inside of the body. So it’s not just talking therapy, but it’s, you know, very trauma informed and trauma based and it’s phenomenal.

[00:18:20] There’s tons of different types of therapy. So one of the great things that you can do, especially if you’re new to therapy, I heard actually somebody say this to me within the last week, and I thought this was so good, that healthy people, you know, we often have this idea that healthy people don’t need therapy.

[00:18:35] Like,

[00:18:36] Marissa: oh, I’m healthy. I don’t, I don’t need therapy. And in fact, it’s the opposite. Healthy people are the ones who are in therapy. So, as you think about this, kind of shifting your mindset, and if you feel any kind of resistance about therapy, I want to encourage you to investigate that. Like, what are you afraid of?

[00:18:53] Because it is such a beautiful thing to have a dedicated space that is safe, that is confidential, that you [00:19:00] can share what is going on inside of you and really be able to unravel that with somebody else and kind of detangle those thoughts or emotions that otherwise we just don’t have the space or time to work through.

[00:19:12] So if you’re not sure what type of therapy you need or where to even start, a great place to start is chat GPT. So you can go in there and you can say, here’s what I’m dealing with. Can you make recommendations for the type of therapist that would be beneficial to me? And that can be incredibly helpful.

[00:19:30] And I would encourage you to talk to the people that you know, and you trust. You see actively working on their relationships, actively working on themselves. And ask for recommendations and say, who do you see, you know, who’s your therapist. That’s how I found mine. Um, I actually asked my dad’s therapist.

[00:19:46] I didn’t want to see the same therapist as him. And so I asked her, I said, hey, can you make a recommendation To me for another therapist that you know, and she did and it’s actually her therapist And so it’s my dad’s therapist, [00:20:00] therapist who I see. It’s like Inception! It is, um, but I would have never been able to You know, find her probably on my own without asking for that recommendation.

[00:20:09] Ken: Yeah, that’s fantastic. Now, as you think about this, there are other ways to grow in your relationship, right? And that’s a knowledge of the people you love. And we kind of addressed this, but I want you to think about how can you get, learn about the people you love more specifically. So a couple of things you can do.

[00:20:24] These are just some examples. If you’re thinking about how do I grow my relationships? Number one, you can like interview your spouse on their childhood. Like just ask some deep questions about that. Or maybe you interview your parents or your grandparents about their family history. Man, Marissa, I remember a couple of years ago before my, my great grandpa in law, I don’t even know if that’s the right way to say that,

[00:20:45] right?

[00:20:45] Ken: Um, he passed away and we knew that his time was coming. So what I ended up doing was I just grabbed my phone and we were at the farm and I literally just hit record and I was like, Hey grandpa, can you just start sharing these stories? And I just started drilling questions. And [00:21:00] this is like my wife’s family, they’re like, we never heard those stories before.

[00:21:04] They’re like, what possessed you to do this? I was like, I don’t know. I just thought, hey, we might have one, five years left with him. Let’s just keep this for the family. My father in law was like, please send these to me. Cause it’s so important for him to have, but it’s just those little things. Like all of a sudden by me helping learn about my great grandpa, I learned something about my father in law and something about the family.

[00:21:23] Right. It’s so great. A couple other things that you could do is learn your spouse’s love language, right? Uh, learn your friend’s love languages. Like, learn their Enneagram, learn their personality, learn their giftings, right? Like, become an expert. Of your friends. I always tell people like I want to know my friends so well that I could speak on behalf of them.

[00:21:43] Yeah.

[00:21:44] Ken: Right. Where they’re like, I’m in a room with them. And if someone brings a certain food item, I’ll be like, Hey, they won’t like that. Go bring something like bring something else. That’s how good I want to be of a friend. I’m with a friend or with my spouse. Like I just know so much about individuals that I could speak or know things about them.

[00:21:58] Marissa: Well, I think it all really [00:22:00] comes back to being curious. Yeah. This is kind of what we’re talking about here in this knowledge section is really being curious about the people that you care about and yourself. You know, starting to ask questions, getting interested in what lights them up, what they’re interested in.

[00:22:13] I was listening to a podcast episode the other day and this woman was talking about how she She was really trying to invest in her community. relationship with her children. And I think she had like grade school, you know, kids. And she said that she started reading every book that they were reading for school so that she was able to actually, and you know, tons of these, she had read herself when she was in grade school, but she started doing this as a way to relate to her kids so that when they were sitting at the dinner table, Rather than just saying, Hey, did you do your homework?

[00:22:48] Did you read? She could ask more interesting questions and say, Hey, What did you think about that chapter that we just read? And she wasn’t necessarily reading it together with them, but she was reading it at the [00:23:00] same time as them. And so then they were able to have deeper discussions. She could find out what they thought was funny or interesting or confusing and they could have a really much more powerful conversation between her and, you know, her third grader, for instance, that she would have never been able to have if she was just sitting there saying, did you do your homework?

[00:23:18] That’s a totally different type of discussion than entering into their world. So if you have children, maybe that’s something you want to look into, you know, diving into what they’re reading at school or a hobby that they have or something like that. Where you’re able to enter in and get curious again about what lights them up, what gets them excited.

[00:23:48] Recapping option one, we have time, option two is knowledge. And lastly, the third area for you to look at growing your relationships and setting goals in is option number [00:24:00] three, which is new adventures. This is so fun because if we’re having fun together, that’s going to just ignite connection, right? Like, how often do you have a really great shared experience that brings you closer to people?

[00:24:15] Can I know, for instance, You have these guys that you, um, connect with on an annual basis and you do some kind of a polar bear plunge or something.

[00:24:23] Ken: Some extreme thing every year. Yeah.

[00:24:25] Marissa: And that’s like, you know, crazy and seemingly insignificant for your relationships. However, you’re going to bind over shared experiences.

[00:24:34] And so I love this specific. point because if you’re feeling like maybe you’re an Enneagram seven or somebody who’s like, I gotta have fun. I want to like really make my relationship exciting and fun. This is such a great option. So let me give you some examples of what this might look like. Maybe this is going on a vacation to Switzerland with your sister.

[00:24:54] Or touring the city where you live, like being at, you know, um, a tourist in your own [00:25:00] city with your spouse. And you could go see the various sites or eat at specific top restaurants or things like that. You could host a mystery dinner for your friends, camp in your backyard with your kids. I remember my dad did that when we were growing up.

[00:25:16] Or plan a yes day with your partner or your kids. Julie on our team, she is our creative manager and she did this with her girls. Uh, she and her husband did this last quarter where they did a yes day. It was all within reason. They gave some specific parameters and she said it was so fun to see what they wanted to do and how they wanted to spend their time and it really connected and bonded them as a family.

[00:25:41] Ken: And that’s the beauty of, of all these experiences, right? Like when you talk about new adventures, you’re creating an experience. And I think about like the military when a lot of those guys go, either sadly to war or like when they’re just in bootcamp, they just bond. They had this experience of like, oh, remember when Sergeant did this?

[00:25:57] Or like our drill sergeant did that. I have some friends who have been in [00:26:00] the military and they share stories with me and I’m like, oh, cool, I’m, I’m like engaging. But then I hear them share stories with their friends who were in the military and there’s like this. instant connection. And I’m like, I want that.

[00:26:11] Like, what do I need to do? And I’m like, well, I’m not joining the military now.

[00:26:14] Marissa: Can I get a quick idea on that? Because I think that this is really good. And this came up actually with one of our coaching clients recently, who was kind of struggling with setting a relational goal with her, her spouse. And he wasn’t very interested in what she was interested and she wasn’t interested in what he was interested.

[00:26:33] So she was like, I don’t know how to like do this bonding. What are we supposed to do? I recommended to her that they find something that was a neutral ground that neither of them had done before. You know, something that was so, like, it didn’t fit into either of their interest box, so to speak. Like, going and making pottery or bowling or something that’s just kind of out of the typical norm.

[00:26:56] And that way they had a shared bonding experience, just like what [00:27:00] you’re talking about, where it was kind of the first time. I think that first time effect. is really true as well. Where like the first time you go through something, or you learn something, you’re experiencing, you’re experiencing something for the first time together, that can be super bonding.

[00:27:14] Ken: Yeah, I remember one of my good friends, he and I became RAs together. And the first literally, Three days of being an RA, somehow the dorm was completely trashed. We had to clean the whole dorms in like three days with only like a three man team. It was this horrible situation. Then we had like things get stolen and like the cars were broken down like day after day, it was just this conundrum of disasters that were happening on campus.

[00:27:41] And we were like the only two guys that were on campus in leadership. For that couple of weeks. And we bonded so closely that everyone, I mean, we’re still really great friends. We’re always texting each other, but it was just those moments where we’re like, yeah, we wouldn’t have gone through this by choice, but the experience helped us.

[00:27:59] And now [00:28:00] we’re like, best of friends.

[00:28:02] Marissa: I love that. And

[00:28:02] Ken: it’s because it was something new. We were both RAs and we’re like, what does this have to do with us? So as we wrap up, what’s the big idea? As we think about all these options and helping us grow our relationships, what can someone walk away with and say, this is why I really want to focus on this?

[00:28:17] Marissa: Well, I think it’s important to know and remember you have agency in your relationships. Just because somebody else is a part of that relationship. It doesn’t mean you don’t have control. It doesn’t mean that the other person has full control. You both have control over the outcome and the experience of those relationships.

[00:28:37] So remember that. If you don’t remember anything else, you do have agency over your relationships. And this primarily comes as we think about the actions that we want to take to lead to the outcomes that we want. So you may not have full control over the outcome that happens inside of your relationships.

[00:28:57] Because it does take two to tango. However, [00:29:00] you do have control over the actions it takes. And if nothing else, you have control over yourself, like we talked about. So investing in yourself through therapy or other educational or growth minded activities can be a great way to deepen your relationships, kind of indirectly.

[00:29:16] The other thing here is that setting goals really helps you be intentional. and focus on your relationships. I think a lot of people think, well, I can’t set goals. But the truth is, you can set goals when it comes to your relationships. And again, you want to think about the activities or behaviors or habits that will lead to the outcome that you’re desiring.

[00:29:37] And ultimately, Ken, it’s exactly what you said. What gets scheduled gets done. We often forget that we think that we’re just going to have the time or somehow it’s magically going to show up and we’re going to be investing in our relationships, but it’s just like any other area of our life. We have to schedule and invest our time into these relationships in order for them to prosper.[00:30:00]

[00:30:00] Ken: For all of you who are listening, if you want one practical thing, think about that one relationship, whether it be your spouse, partner, whether it be, uh, your dad, right? Anybody that you want to, and just say, this week, What can you do to move the ball forward to grow that relationship? Whether it’s a quick text message of like, hey, let’s set up a date, or hey, let’s set up a call, or hey, let’s set up a trip to Switzerland, which would be awesome, by the way.

[00:30:26] But like, go do it, because when you build that experience, when you build that relationship, I think you will find That that’s what you really want. Like we are here on this earth to build connections with one another and help each other thrive And our society honestly is in a pandemic of isolation and loneliness And the way to break that is for us to just step out and say, you know what?

[00:30:47] I really want to be with you. I really want to connect with you I really want to get to know your story and that’s what we’re offering you when you think about You growing in your relationship goals.

[00:30:57] Marissa: I love that. Well, if you need a practical tool to [00:31:00] deepen your Again, you can get those date night questions for free at fullfocus.

[00:31:07] co. co slash date night. And those are free. I think it’s about 20 questions and that can really get the conversation started for you.

[00:31:20] Thanks for joining us on focus on this.

[00:31:22] Ken: This is the most productive podcast on the internet, so please share it with your friends and be sure to join the full focus planner community. on Facebook so you can benefit from the creativity and encouragement of people chasing big goals just like you.

[00:31:37] Marissa: We’ll be here next week with another great episode.

[00:31:40] Ken: Until then,

[00:31:42] Marissa: stay

[00:31:43] Ken: focused.