304. The Dilemma of Being Dependable

Episode Transcript

[00:00:00] Joel: All right, Ted Lasso, Samwise Gamgee, Molly Weasley, and Leslie Knope. These are four people with nothing in common, except they do have one thing in common. They’re all givers. They’re the dependable people trying to hold the world together at great cost to themselves

[00:00:26] Welcome to Focus on This, the most productive podcast on the internet. I’m Joel Miller.

[00:00:31] Marissa: And I’m Marisa Hyatt. And

[00:00:33] Joel: this is where we remind you of something you already know. It’s not about getting more things done, it’s about getting the right things done.

[00:00:40] Marissa: Both at work and in life. And today we’re jumping into the first of our five work style types.

[00:00:48] We’re talking about the giver. Now, in case you missed our intro episode, which was last week, go listen to it, but in case you don’t have the time for some reason, your work style is our brand new free assessment. And essentially, your work style is how you tend to show up at work. So there are five types, which you essentially will find out when you take this.

[00:01:12] There’s the giver, which is what we’re talking about today. This is the one everyone depends on. Number two is the achiever, the one who never stops moving. The juggler, the one carrying it all alone. The optimizer, the one who needs it done right, and the improviser, the one with 120 tabs open.

[00:01:33] Joel: You can guess which I am.

[00:01:36] What you don’t realize if you haven’t listened to the original episode, the intro episode, is that we share our types.

[00:01:42] Channal: Yes.

[00:01:43] Joel: But today we’re talking about the giver, and there are some clues that you might be a giver. Of course, the first thing to do is go take the assessment. If you take the assessment, which you can find at fullfocus.co/ws, you’ll know exactly what you are.

[00:01:59] But if you’re curious and you don’t know yet ’cause you haven’t taken the assessment, let’s talk about some clues that you might be a giver. The first one is that you tend to volunteer before you’re asked. Other people’s problems feel like your assignments even before they ask for help.

[00:02:18] Marissa: I love this one, and I love givers.

[00:02:20] This will be a fun episode because as we go through this, either you’re gonna see this might be you, or you’re gonna start to think about people in your life- Totally … in your workplace that are probably givers. So the next kind of telltale sign is that people notice how well that you listen.

[00:02:37] Joel: Mm-hmm.

[00:02:38] Marissa: So you have a knack for helping people feel heard, but you don’t just hear what they say.

[00:02:44] You’re unparalleled in anticipating needs.

[00:02:48] Joel: Yeah, that’s the third telltale sign.

[00:02:50] Marissa: Yes. This is essentially, like, you walk in and you know who is stressed out, who’s behind, who could use a little bit of encouragement, who needs help, and you hear what goes unsaid.

[00:03:02] Joel: Another telltale sign, this one’s a little bit loaded, this is tricky, but help can feel bad.

[00:03:08] When someone helps you, you kind of feel like maybe you failed, like you don’t know how to respond. It’s easier for you to give help than to receive it.

[00:03:17] Marissa: I have to share just a teeny-tiny example of this. One of my best friends who I have no question that she is a giver recently moved- Mm-hmm … and she was super overwhelmed.

[00:03:29] She lives alone. She’s single. And she had a house that she had to completely unpack by herself, and she was feeling really overwhelmed. And she was sharing one night at dinner with a few of our girlfriends how overwhelmed she was feeling, and we were like, “We can all come help you.”

[00:03:44] Joel: Right.

[00:03:45] Marissa: And she immediately was like, “Absolutely not.

[00:03:47] I don’t wanna put anybody out. You know, I can handle it. I’ve got it.” Totally this idea of she’s feeling like a total failure because somehow she as one human cannot unpack an entire house by herself in a weekend. So we ended up showing up and helping her. It was so interesting, though, to watch how challenging it was for her to receive that help.

[00:04:07] So this is a, I think, a really big telltale sign of you givers, for sure.

[00:04:12] Joel: And it leads to the, the final one. Your own needs feel kind of selfish, you know? Yeah Rest makes you feel guilty. Somehow you always find energy to meet other people’s needs, but it feels wrong to take care of yourself.

[00:04:25] Marissa: Well, I think that I see this in a lot of givers that I know is they really struggle in terms of, for lack of a better term, self-care.

[00:04:33] I mean, I think that that term is like, ugh, tired, overused. But they really have a difficult time standing up for what they need and making that time because somebody else’s needs are always more important, more urgent- Right … louder, bigger, and more worthy of dealing with than their own.

[00:04:49] Joel: This is interesting how this shows up in the workplace, which is the focus of the work style assessment, because there’s pluses to all of these types, all of these work styles, and there’s downsides, there’s negatives, too.

[00:05:02] So let’s talk about the double-edged sword of the giver, which we’re defining as generosity.

[00:05:10] Marissa: Yeah. Well, if you think about the type of person that a giver is, which we’ve given you several clues into what that looks like, this person is incredibly generous, and this is what makes them exceptional. So they’re the type of person that’s going to give themselves away for others constantly, arguably too much, right?

[00:05:29] Right. But this is what makes them so amazing. This is why we love those givers. They nurture welcome and create belonging.

[00:05:37] Joel: Mm-hmm.

[00:05:38] Marissa: I love that. Like, they’re the type of person who is really making sure to include everybody at book club or in whatever context they’re in, right? They’re, you know, at the team lunch or the team event, and they’re making sure every single person is taken care of, that they’ve got somebody to talk to.

[00:05:56] And they earn trust because people know that they care.

[00:06:00] Joel: Right. In the age of AI, the other thing that’s really important here is that everything they do is human, because- Yeah … they’ve got their hands in it. They’ve got their hands on it. They’re making sure that people are taken care of. Like, they humanize the work that they’re involved in, and that’s maybe more meaningful today than ever before.

[00:06:19] Marissa: It really is. And, you know, having a giver both inside of work and outside of work in your life is incredibly valuable. I mean- Mm-hmm … these are the people that we go to when we need something. These are the people that make us feel connected, feel part of something. And so it is, generosity is what makes givers exceptional.

[00:06:40] Joel: Yep.

[00:06:40] Marissa: But like you mentioned-

[00:06:42] Joel: There’s a downside …

[00:06:43] Marissa: there is a downside, and generosity is also what makes givers exhausted.

[00:06:49] Joel: Exhausted, right. You struggle to turn away from responsibilities that aren’t even yours to deliver on, right? You absorb the cost instead of saying no. Like, a boundary, like, what’s that?

[00:07:01] Yeah. Like, I don’t have, I don’t have a no. It’s just a yes, right? And you’re more fluent in the needs of others than yourself, which means Like the self-awareness that would tell you to slow down or take some time for yourself, it’s not even a present concern.

[00:07:16] Marissa: They often can see slowing down, taking care of themselves as somehow abandoning others.

[00:07:22] Joel: Right.

[00:07:23] Marissa: You know, in the workplace, this shows up when they’re constantly available, right? They’re constantly making themselves available. These people tend to have overstuffed calendars or task lists full of other people’s priorities.

[00:07:39] Joel: Right.

[00:07:40] Marissa: This is not the person that, you know, is gonna be ruthless with their boundaries.

[00:07:44] They’re going, “Oh no, I’ve got it. I can totally help you with that project or that last-minute request. I’ll push aside everything that’s on my plate in order to meet your need.”

[00:07:54] Joel: What ends up happening, of course, is you get projects that end up getting deferred that are really meaningful to you, but- Yeah

[00:08:00] it feels more meaningful to say yes to the other party, and so you end up sacrificing essentially there, and that ends up costing you. And, you know, we’re talking about, like, what makes you exceptional, generosity, but that also then leads to exhaustion.

[00:08:17] Amy: Yeah.

[00:08:17] Joel: All of these work styles that we’ll go through, they all have this double-edged sword where the thing that makes you powerful is also the thing that depletes

[00:08:26] Amy: you.

[00:08:26] Joel: Mm. You know, like if you know anyone with this same pattern share this episode because they’re going to want to hear where they’re great and also where they might struggle. And also, I mean, I think the truth is all these work styles, they’re all great in their own way, and it’s great to be validated for the things that you do.

[00:08:46] And I think the giver, in particular, they may not actually recognize that other people see that as important as it is. Yeah. And so to be validated is really meaningful, and what that means to me right now is if you are this person, hear that there are folks who know that about you.

[00:09:03] Dawnella: Yeah.

[00:09:04] Joel: If you know people like this, share this episode.

[00:09:06] They would love to hear something about them being recognized for what it is, and I think giving people a taste of that would be fantastic.

[00:09:15] Marissa: Absolutely, and we all probably are thinking of several people in our lives, personally, you know, that we know who are givers. And when we think about our work context, um, our colleagues, there’s probably at least one person that you can go, “Oh yeah, Dan is a, is a giver, for sure.”

[00:09:32] Right. Or, “Tina is 1,000% a giver, and I’ve got to send this episode to her.” And, you know, what we’re going to share here in a second is going to kind of give all of you givers a good growth strategy. But yes, please share with the givers that you know.

[00:09:48] Joel: You know, one thing you just said that I think is just important for people to remember is these work styles are ubiquitous, and whatever team you’re on or whatever work environment you work in, there’s probably one of every type, unless you’re a solopreneur.

[00:10:02] Yeah. But even then, you have vendors you work with, contractors you work with, other people you work with that show up this way. And the great thing about having awareness of it is, not only for yourself but about other people, is you can work better with them when you know their work style and your own.

[00:10:21] Marissa: Yeah, and I think especially if you’re in a leadership position, this is a really important series for you to listen to, all about these work styles. Because like Joel’s talking about, there’s probably a lot of people who are reporting to you who are each of these. And as leaders, we want to play to people’s strengths, right?

[00:10:38] And you’re going to be able to do that as part of this series to start understanding and identifying people on your team, and you can, you know, obviously get them to take the actual assessment themselves. It’s free, so there’s no cost, and they’re going to get a whole report. They can share that report with you so that you can know for sure, oh yeah, you know, so-and-so is a giver, and this is how I want to be thinking about leading that person and helping them-

[00:11:03] Joel: Right

[00:11:03] Marissa: in that kind of growth edge that they’ve got.

[00:11:05] Joel: This is especially important because there’s costs, as we’ve already talked about, and sometimes these costs, they compound over time. This is one area where you as an individual or you as a leader would be really, it would be really valuable to you to have this insight because- These costs accumulate.

[00:11:25] So for the giver, for instance, someone else’s needs always feel louder and more urgent than your own. So what ends up happening is your work needs frequently go unmet.

[00:11:36] Amy: Absolutely.

[00:11:38] Joel: You look fine, and so nobody asks, right? You’re, you’re super capable, and so nobody’s checking in on you. And for a leader, that can be catastrophic because somebody can end up veering towards burnout, and you’re not even aware that that’s happening.

[00:11:51] Marissa: Well, I can definitely think of people I’ve led who in the past were givers, and I’ve seen these patterns happen, right?

[00:11:57] Joel: Right.

[00:11:58] Marissa: And if you are a giver, it might be helpful for you to share this episode with your boss so that that person can better understand you and figure out, how can I lead this person well and again, capitalize on those strengths versus leading them into a place of total exhaustion?

[00:12:15] I think if, you know, left unchecked, left unknown, as a leader, you can inadvertently overcommit your givers on your team without any awareness that you’re doing it, right? Right. You’re making simple requests from your standpoint, thinking, “This is something that I want them to do.” Meanwhile, that person is probably dropping every single thing on their plate to accommodate your request, and they may have other, you know, past requests or important things that are critical for their role.

[00:12:44] And so it may be important for you to slow down in your request with that person and say, “Hey, you know, this is kind of the project that I need help with. This is what I’m thinking that your contribution can be. You know, what else is on your plate, and when do you think this could be doable?” So that you’re not pushing them on the edge of burnout.

[00:13:03] Joel: If you think about pretty standard managerial advice is to push down the chain as much stuff as you possibly can.

[00:13:11] Marissa: Right.

[00:13:11] Joel: Well, that only works if you have good feedback from your team so you know when you’ve reached the limit.

[00:13:19] Marissa: Mm-hmm.

[00:13:19] Joel: And the giver is the last person that will tell you the limit.

[00:13:22] Marissa: Yeah.

[00:13:24] Joel: Well, maybe not the last. That may be the next one we talk about, but they have a breaking point, and they’re not gonna tell you what it is, most likely, until they’re somewhere past it.

[00:13:34] Marissa: What this ends up looking like over time is Givers can end up really resentful

[00:13:41] Joel: Yeah

[00:13:42] Marissa: Because they aren’t matching your giving and saying what you want feels selfish.

[00:13:48] Joel: Yeah.

[00:13:49] Marissa: And so- Right … they’re often quiet, right? They kind of, like, swallow their frustration, their resentment really, and that can definitely build up over time and come out really sideways. I’ve also seen this with givers. Yeah. They also can lose touch with themselves, so essentially, like, who they are and what they actually want because they’re constantly thinking about everybody else.

[00:14:13] Joel: In a team environment, that has some upside, as we’ve already talked about, right? Things work on a team when somebody can be relied on, but when that ends up being the default and nobody’s noticing the fact that that person is overstuffed, that their to-do list is too long, that they can’t get to their own projects and all of that, they end up suffering.

[00:14:35] And in- including this losing touch with themselves. At the extreme, that, that ends up happening. It’s like their to-do list belongs to other, uh, to everybody else except for themselves.

[00:14:44] Marissa: Yeah. That’s a, such a telltale sign, the, the list, the calendar. Like, if you look at it, it’s really not about them, right?

[00:14:52] Right. It’s about everybody else. It’s not about their things and their priorities and, you know, whatever it is that’s important to them. It’s always about other people. And you could look at it and almost always tell this person’s a giver by looking at their calendar or looking at their, you know, daily big three or their task list.

[00:15:10] There’s probably several items on there that are scratched out and scribbled over because somebody else’s request came in and sidelined their own.

[00:15:30] Joel: So one of the things Marissa said a few minutes ago is we wanna help people to get the most out of this work style, and that looks like where growth can happen. So in the case of a giver, one of the key growth strategies is to n- not wait for permission to rest. Like, you’re gonna need a break, and you’re gonna need to take it on your own initiative because Meghan always says this line, “Nobody’s thinking about you as much as you’re thinking about you.”

[00:15:58] Right. And in the case of a giver, you’re not thinking about you as much as you need to. Yeah. And so one key growth strategy for a giver is to stop waiting for permission to rest. If you put off resting until everyone around you is okay, you’ll never get to it. Yeah. You’ll just be waiting indefinitely.

[00:16:16] Marissa: Yeah, absolutely. Well, you know, choosing yourself even temporarily, for a giver, can feel completely impossible. But givers, I want you to listen to me, you know, give me your full attention in this. This is really essential. So I really wanna encourage all of you givers to grant yourself permission to believe that ultimately you matter.

[00:16:40] Your needs count. So it’s not always about you have to push yourself aside in order to meet everybody else. We really want you to think about yourself. You know, it’s kind of the age-old metaphor of you need to fill your cup up first before you can fill- Right … everybody else’s. And if we think about this level of exhaustion and potentially kind of teetering on burnout, I would say this specific work style is one of the most susceptible.

[00:17:10] Like you said, the next work style we talk about next week is also really sus- susceptible, but this one is arguably more because they kind of know no bounds. Right. It’s just about what everybody else is asking of you. And so this is your permission slip to schedule yourself in to your calendar.

[00:17:31] Joel: Right.

[00:17:31] That’s your assignment,

[00:17:32] Marissa: actually. This is your assignment. Like- Right …

[00:17:33] Joel: yeah, homework.

[00:17:34] Marissa: So if you’re a giver or if you know a giver or if you think you may be a giver, somebody sent you this episode, I wanna give you a challenge where this week go into your calendar and schedule something just for you.

[00:17:48] Doesn’t have to be, you know, a full hour or a full day or anything like that, but just something that is just for you, and I want you to protect it.

[00:17:59] Joel: One of the things that we’ve done for this episode, and we’ll do this for all five of the work styles, is we wanna hear from some givers. And so we’ve got some people that have taken the assessment.

[00:18:10] We’ve talked with them. Let’s go ahead and hear from some givers right now.

[00:18:24] All right. I am talking with Adam Hill, who is a giver. What was eye-opening about that for you?

[00:18:30] Adam: I know that I am often a team… The considered sort of the glue team player, the, the person that you can kind of come to with any panic last-minute thing. Mm-hmm. And I will be like, “Okay, well, let’s see what’s going on.

[00:18:44] Let’s, let’s lift the hood and see just how bad. Is the engine gone or we just need some oil?” I’m pretty quick with whatever to just be willing to jump in and try to assess how bad is it, what are the options we have, and then what’s our next logical step.

[00:19:02] Joel: The word giver applies pretty clearly then, right?

[00:19:05] It’s like you are giving of yourself to help solve these problems, whether it’s on a team or a client or somebody that just comes to you with a problem, you will put yourself out in order so that they won’t feel out.

[00:19:17] Adam: I want people to feel good and, and to feel like things are okay. Yeah. And that probably gets back into all sorts of deep psychological things with me, but I, I like for people to smooth the waters and…

[00:19:30] I, I’m notorious for sometimes being able to work with people that are really difficult to work with.

[00:19:34] Joel: Practically speaking, what does that cost you?

[00:19:37] Adam: I am not super great at applying that stuff to the things that I wanna do.

[00:19:42] Joel: Mm.

[00:19:42] Adam: I am not the giver to myself or my own projects. I’m sort of, I, I don’t know if a Protestant work ethic, old school.

[00:19:49] It’s just like, well, I want… You know, what is the money value that I can get for working on this thing? Even though I’d love to help people, it’s hard for me to justify it when it’s not helping me keep, you know, the family and the house, uh, the lights on.

[00:20:06] Dawnella: Right.

[00:20:06] Adam: But practically speaking, I guess it also Helps me do a lot of things, opens a lot of doors for me, and I, I’m known as people that have worked with me or that I work with as being helpful and, and a glue guy.

[00:20:19] The, the old Avengers, uh, metaphor. You know, I’m, I’m not Iron Man or Thor. I’m, I’m Hawkeye.

[00:20:26] Joel: You’ve got 168 hours in a week. Work takes a chunk. Other people take a lot. How do you balance that?

[00:20:33] Adam: You know, at this age, I just get tired at some point, and I do not push through once I get tired unless, unless I’m like, you know…

[00:20:40] If I’m driving a car somewhere, I keep going, but, uh, if, if I’m able, I, I just take a break anymore. That’s one thing that I thought I was pretty healthy about is like when, when middle of the afternoon, I’m like, “Okay, 15-minute nap, I’ll do it.” Day is done, I’m definitely gonna read. I know about myself that it’s like once you hit a wall with reading, or I mean with writing, it’s sorta like I’ve always imagined it as like a well, and that well depletes water when you write, and the only way to put more water back in that well is time, and another good way is to read.

[00:21:11] Joel: Mm-hmm.

[00:21:12] Adam: And the more you read or play guitar or listen to music or do something creative, you are putting water back in that well. But as, when you, soon as you start writing, then you start pulling water out of that well, and I, I think you have to just… I know at this point that there comes a wall when I’m not gonna be able to write anymore or ideate anymore without putting something back.

[00:21:35] Joel: Do you ever feel like it’s okay to pass on opportunities or to pass on a burden? Like, if somebody throws up a, a challenge, do you just feel like compelled to do it, compelled to help them?

[00:21:48] Adam: Yeah, I usually do. I mean, unless… It’s just like if I know them, I im- im- immensely do. Uh, if I don’t know them and they seem like a good person to me, which sounds, sounds weird, but if they seem like an earnest person, I should say.

[00:22:03] I don’t wanna s- make it sound like I’m pass judgment on people whether they’re, they’re good or not. If they seem like an earnest person with earnest needs and they’re really just trying to figure something out, with, especially with books, I cannot help myself. I am, I am a habitual helper.

[00:22:17] Joel: I mean, I’ve known you a long time, and I would say that I, I don’t know that I would’ve guessed that you were a giver.

[00:22:23] I would’ve guessed that you were an improviser, but the minute that result came up, I could actually slot almost everything I know about you into that lens and go, “Oh yeah, that’s absolutely Adam.” I mean, you’re like one of the most helpful people I’ve ever met.

[00:22:37] Adam: Hmm. Well, thank you.

[00:22:38] Joel: Yeah.

[00:22:41] I’m here with Amy Kozlowic. Amy, you got the giver. Is that right?

[00:22:47] Amy: I did, yes, and I was not surprised at all.

[00:22:50] Joel: Not surprised at all. Uh, what was eye-opening about it?

[00:22:54] Amy: I think this was really the first time that I have seen it in such clear language, my tendency to put other people’s needs before my own, especially in work situations.

[00:23:07] Mm-hmm. And since learning that, I’ve really been able to kind of reevaluate the way that I prioritize my own tasks, the tasks that my team needs my help with, and the tasks that they need to accomplish on their own. So that has been really eye-opening for me and, and it’s given me some clarity that I’ve really appreciated so far.

[00:23:27] Joel: What’s one thing that you want, maybe you’ve never really expressed it, but you really want it and you just don’t have bandwidth for it because you’ve given so much of your life away?

[00:23:39] Amy: I think that I’ve given away so much time that one thing that I have lost capacity for and I would love to bring back into my life is continued professional education and growth.

[00:23:50] Mm-hmm. I am hungry for knowledge. I’m hungry to learn and grow and level up and gain new skills. But that is a time commitment that is challenging to make when there are so many responsibilities on my plate and on those of my team. So I have to make sure everything gets done, and that leaves very little time left for self-education or joining programs other than, of course, Double Win, that would allow me to, like, up-skill my resume and my abilities in my current role.

[00:24:24] Joel: So do you think that given your report and some of the things the report helped identify in terms of how to make the most of your work style, you could find the, the bandwidth for that?

[00:24:37] Amy: I do. I really do think so. I think, I think my roadblock at this time is slowing down long enough to implement some of these strategies, and I’m, I’m starting to be able to do that.

[00:24:48] I’m starting to see some success. It took a long time for me to agree with myself that I was worth investing in, and that this time would be worth it, knowing that the to-do list is 800 miles long and never-ending. And I think- The benefit I have seen so far, especially with these last couple months of kind of the refreshed approach through the program, has more than proven itself to be worth the time commitment.

[00:25:26] I am incredibly grateful that I did this for myself. Like, I just think- Mm-hmm … I’ve learned so much. I know that there’s so much still coming, and it’s really such a wonderful approach that you can build on and take these skill sets and these tools with you even after you’re, you know, graduated the program or what have you.

[00:25:48] You can take these tools and these skill sets and apply them to so many other areas of your life, whether that is your professional commitments, personal life, your community groups, things of that nature. There are ways to take that time for yourself, become more efficient, and end up doing work that makes you happy and proud of instead of feeling like you’re stuck in that endless spin cycle.

[00:26:16] Dawnella: My name is Donella Bowser, and professionally what I do is I work in the compliance department at a firm. Basically, it’s like a bank where I’m basically making sure that we are doing what we are supposed to based on what the regulators want us to do.

[00:26:29] Marissa: Okay, so you’re a giver. You have taken the work style assessment.

[00:26:33] Yeah. Um, so I would love to know what you felt like was eye-opening about realizing that you were a giver.

[00:26:40] Dawnella: What I realized after taking… I did the assessment or prior to, and so I just saw that maybe I give a little too much. Maybe I extend, overextend myself at times, that I’m basically left at the end of the day with nothing or not much energy to do the things that maybe are more important to me or even things that other people ask me to do just because I’ve just overextended myself on trying to get things done.

[00:27:05] Marissa: What do you feel like being a giver is costing you at this point?

[00:27:09] Dawnella: For me, it’s costing taking care of myself. Mm-hmm. So I, I’m a fitness coach on the side. I do that part-time, and And I’ve noticed that that’s taken a back burner. It’s, it used to be where I used to, you know, dedicate three days out of a week to go to the gym and work out, and now I find maybe it’s one day a week, maybe it’s no days of the week.

[00:27:27] And so that I’ve definitely started to see that pattern start to happen.

[00:27:31] Marissa: Do you feel like, um, looking at your report that you got, was it helpful for you to, to start to think about how you can adjust your behavior to work with how you’re wired? Not, you know, we’re not suggesting that you need to work against it.

[00:27:44] There’s great things about being a giver. But was there anything that stood out to you of like, “Okay, I think that I could start to adjust this or that, and maybe give myself a little bit more margin back or a little bit more time back,” like you’re talking about for yourself. Was there anything in there that you felt like, “Okay, yeah, I could, I could, you know, take that and, and implement it”?

[00:28:05] Dawnella: I think the biggest takeaway is just boundaries. Like, setting more boundaries with, with people to let them know, like, “I can’t do it” or “You’ll have to wait.” You know what I think- Yeah … that’s where I need to get better at. Because I feel like when we don’t set that boundary, and maybe that’s my problem of tell people I’m always available, that that’s where I get overwhelmed because I’m trying to help people and it’s become too much because I’m not telling them like, “Look, I don’t have the time to do X, Y, Z that you’re asking me to do at this point in time.”

[00:28:31] Yeah.

[00:28:33] Marissa: When you think about the younger version of you, maybe before you went into the military, in that moment, knowing what you know about yourself now and how you’re wired.

[00:28:41] Dawnella: I would say to definitely prioritize myself. I think it started at an early time, and I think it, and I know it carried over. I’m not gonna say I, I think.

[00:28:50] I know it carried over into how I led the people that worked for me. Like, I was more worried about them and their wellbeing and what was happening and helping them get to that next position or the next promotion, that I put myself to the side and, and it showed by how I left the military. ‘Cause I could’ve been a, a higher position, but because I put other people first, that’s where I didn’t see the…

[00:29:12] You know, I didn’t get the fruits of that, of all the hard work that I put in. Other people got to see it, which I’m glad for them, mind you.

[00:29:19] Marissa: Right.

[00:29:19] Dawnella: It’s just, I can see that I failed in that area by doing that.

[00:29:23] Marissa: If you could go back to that version of yourself and give her something, what would you give to her?

[00:29:31] Dawnella: I would give her the, the thoughts that, you know, put yourself first. It’s not selfish to do that. Because at the end of the day, other people do it, and they get ahead, you know, because they- Yeah … have decided to do that. So why not you, would be my question to my younger self.

[00:29:49] Joel: This is our double win client, Chanel Anderson. The result you got was, uh, the giver, correct?

[00:29:55] Channal: Yes. I think that I give my time away, yet try to figure out why I don’t have enough And it’s innate. I think when I thought back, um, I’ve always been a giver since I was probably a young child because I’m an older child.

[00:30:11] So as an older child, you always have to protect and spend time with others, right? And you’re responsible for so much. So when I look back over the last 20, 30 years, really, I’ve given away a lot of myself.

[00:30:24] Joel: Yeah. What would you say that’s cost you?

[00:30:26] Channal: I feel like I have a lot of unfulfilled dreams, a lot of unfulfilled opportunities, and exhaustion, right?

[00:30:34] I recall a couple of years ago that I was, um, so burnt out at work in a seven-year transformation project that I… My health, my health suffered, to be honest. And so I had to purposely take time off so that I would be able to decompress and take care of myself so that I would have more time to give.

[00:30:55] Joel: Do you find yourself, like, in a place of resentment about that?

[00:30:58] Channal: Not really resentment because I conscientiously made the choices that I made. I think reflecting, I definitely should have put some better boundaries in place, and I should have focused on me a little bit more than what I did. A lot more, honestly, than what I did. Because even though I thought it was impacting me, the choices I was making was only impacting me, it impacted more than that.

[00:31:20] My family, my time, t- things that I just can’t get back. And so I feel like I’m constantly… I was constantly running this race of trying to keep up or to try to catch up something I’d left behind or I may have dropped. So now I have to really consider what I’m going to do going forward and how I’m going to implement it and what it looks like.

[00:31:42] Joel: If you gave just 20% less, who would notice?

[00:31:47] Channal: I would.

[00:31:48] Joel: Interesting.

[00:31:49] Channal: That’s it. I would. But it’s not a bad thing because I give a lot, right? Right. And actually, I’m in a season of my life that I have chosen myself over my family finally. And so I’ve… If I can share, I’ve taken a, a job in New York. I moved from Dallas, Texas, and I’ve taken this job in New York, and it was something completely against what I would normally do because I would always- Mm-hmm

[00:32:13] consider the family first. In this opportunity, I chose myself first.

[00:32:18] Joel: How did that make you feel?

[00:32:19] Channal: At first, it was like, yes, you did something, and then I was full of resentment, to be honest.

[00:32:23] Joel: Yeah.

[00:32:23] Channal: I was second-guessing my decision, and I felt like I let the family down. But then I thought about all the things that I had already done and sacrificed for the family, and I had to say, “This is for me.

[00:32:36] And you may not understand, but this is what I need for me. And if I fail, the only thing I can say, I tried.” If… That would be the worst scenario for me.

[00:32:47] Joel: If you could say one, one thing about the assessment that surprised you most, what would it be?

[00:32:53] Channal: That with a few questions I feel like it read me like a book.

[00:32:58] Joel: Wow.

[00:32:58] Channal: They weren’t hard questions, and they, they were not… It was not long. It was about 25 questions, and it just hit the nail on the head. It properly identified who I am at the root of who I am. It identified the core values that I have, and I was just surprised about the depth of information it was able to assess of my work style just based upon those few questions.

[00:33:23] I would recommend it to anyone to take.

[00:33:35] Joel: All of us are unique, and these work styles show some predictable patterns that we all tend to fall into, and they’re all different, right? The way we manifest this particular work style looks different than the way somebody else does, but there’s a pattern, and there’s some really key learnings that we can gain from that pattern in how we show up at work and how we do really anything.

[00:33:57] But one of the things I love about hearing from those individual takers of the work style assessment, these individual givers, is just what this looks like for them. If you hear anything, if you heard anything in the way that they were phrasing what their experience of this work style is like, you may find yourself being exactly that way.

[00:34:20] Even if you’re not, you’ll know people exactly like that, and it’s really great when we can start using these strengths to work together better and offset the downsides, because when we start working towards where we’re best, we get better work, and we can avoid the traps that otherwise set us up to fail.

[00:34:41] And so that’s what I love hearing about these individual folks who’ve taken the assessment. It’s like somebody reading your mail in a way that is validating. Yeah. Like I said before, that kind of validation I think is really meaningful.

[00:34:54] Marissa: Yeah, I think this is really true, Joel, because the more self-aware we can be as professionals in the workplace, and the better if especially as a leader that we can be at understanding not only our strengths, what makes us, us, right, those patterns, but also the people that we work with, and even if you’re not in a leadership position, knowing what your colleagues’ patterns are can really help you be a more collaborative partner.

[00:35:22] Joel: Totally

[00:35:25] Marissa: One of the final thoughts that I want to leave us with is one of the most important things for a giver is going to be identifying your priorities. When you know your priorities, when you know what’s essentially yours to do that ultimately is going to drive results and it matters now, you can do the most good for the people that you love.

[00:35:49] This is where you can really have, like, the highest contribution possible. But if you’re constantly playing to everybody else, that’s gonna get sidelined. Right. And so this is actually, even though it feels like a strategy that potentially is challenging for you or is something that potentially could hurt other people, this is actually a way for you to have a higher contribution to all those people that you care so deeply about.

[00:36:16] Joel: It’s like a doctor doing triage. You can’t meet every need, but you can meet the ones that make the biggest difference. Yeah. And ultimately, that discernment is what is gonna be the difference between you having a high impact at work and a low impact-

[00:36:31] Marissa: Yeah …

[00:36:32] Joel: at work. It’s gonna be the difference between you being effective and you being fried.

[00:36:37] Nobody wants to get fried. So to work through that, uh, that, really that question that Marissa just asked, when something is uniquely yours that drives results and matters now, that’s like practically the definition of a priority. When you can stay focused on not only other people’s needs, but your own in that mix, you’re gonna make a big difference in your workplace.

[00:36:59] Marissa: Massive difference. Well, if this episode was helpful, if you found insight, if you had that moment, like Joel said, of, “Oh, gosh, this might be me, you know?” Right. “Somebody might be reading my mail, and this sounds like me,” or if it sounds like somebody that you know, that you work with, or somebody in your personal life, would encourage you to take the assessment.

[00:37:18] It’s totally free. It’ll only take you about five minutes, and you can find that at fullfocus.co/ws. Not to

[00:37:27] Joel: use a W, just to be really clear.

[00:37:30] Marissa: Yes.

[00:37:31] Joel: W-S

[00:37:37] Marissa: Well, thanks for joining us on Focus on This

[00:37:40] Joel: This is the most productive podcast on the internet, so please share it with your friends and be sure to subscribe wherever you listen or focusonthispodcast.com.

[00:37:50] Marissa: And we’re gonna be here next week where we tackle our next work style, which is the achiever. And let me tell y’all, we don’t know anything about this type here at Full Focus.

[00:38:01] Joel: Maybe just everything about this type- Just everything. … here at Full Focus. Until then, stay focused.